


Last Rites

by pepoluan



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 2, Other characters tags will be added as new chapters get published, Other relationship tags will be added as new chapters get published, Pre-Suicide Mission
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-12-07 02:36:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18228761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepoluan/pseuds/pepoluan
Summary: It was going to be a Suicide Mission. Nobody expected they will come back alive.All of them prepared for the end, in their own ways.





	1. The Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> I **_purposefully_** use the present tense in the story to give a sense of immediacy, as if things are unfolding right before your very eyes. Please do not comment/critique on this style choice, thank you.

·  
·||·

##  **Last Rites**  
≡  
**Chapter 1: The Pilot**

·||·  
·

He has been berating himself for the crew's abduction.

Shepard had told him that the Normandy "is all yours."

But again, he had failed the commander.

Miranda's anger to him was, in his opinion, rightfully so. Although Jacob had defended him, and the XO later apologized for her outburst, he still feels... guilty.

Some say it's 'the survivor's guilt' —

No, no, no. He shakes his head. He must not think like that. They will rescue the rest of the crew.

They have to.

Time is of the essence, though. But then again, Shepard had wasted no time. Even the single mission before they begin their approach to the Omega 4 relay had been executed in record time. He surely hoped Shepard's decision to spare the heretic geth faction will not fire back.

And EDI... he still have some reservations on letting the AI have full control of his ship. It's necessary, he knows. Had he not done that, the ship would be lost. And he'll do whatever it takes to prevent him losing another Normandy.

Besides, it's unavoidable. There's no way 14 crews — Shepard and the squad plus himself — will be able to handle all operations of a ship this sophisticated. Like it or not, he needs her help.

_Wait._  Since when he started referring to EDI as 'her'?

"Jeff, I noticed you have been uncharacteristically quiet."

Joker smiles weakly. "I am still thinking of your words, 'I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.'"

"That was a joke, Jeff."

"I know EDI, I know... but sometimes I can't help thinking the connotations of those words if you're a real woman. I keep imagining you as a woman in leather catsuit holding a whip."

A slight pause.

"Jeff, I think you have been watching too much porn on the extranet."

Jeff just shrugs.

"How long until we reach the relay?" he asks EDI, changing the subject.

"At our present speed, we will be in position to activate the relay in approximately 2 hours and 20 minutes."

Another silent pause.

Jeff thinks about what he had been doing in preparation for the Omega 4 relay jump. He had been going through the status of the ship's myriad systems with EDI. Then they went over them again. Then again for good measure.

All systems are in good condition. Minor problems were found, but nothing that they couldn't fix - with the help of the squadmembers.

All of them had pitched in to help preparing for a mission they might not come back from.

"Jeff, you should take some rest. I'll need you to steer the ship when I'm focusing on the other systems."

"Why? Aren't you capable of doing everything?"

"Most likely I will have to hack into the Collector Base's system and perform analysis on its database, finding its weaknesses to disable it completely. That may take a significant amount of my processing power."

Joker nods. But he continues staring at his console.

"Jeff, please take some rest."

"I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. I don't want another nightmare of losing another Normandy."

"The Normandy is my body. You will not lose me."

"That's a promise?"

"That's a promise. You will bring me back, Jeff. I know you will. Now please take some rest. I will wake you up when we reach the relay."

Somehow EDI's words manage to calm him greatly. Within minutes, he's sleeping soundly on his TEMPUR-padded chair.

"I will not lose you also, Jeff," EDI softly speaks after she ensures that Joker has fallen asleep.

And the Normandy cruises in silence through FTL hyperspace, under the guard of the galaxy's best pilot and the galaxy's most advanced AI, both at peace and understanding with each other.

·


	2. The Veteran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting this chapter, the general structure would be: Present time (in present tense), a short flashback (in past tense), then back to the present time (in present tense). Just so you know...

·  
·||·

##  **Last Rites**  
≡  
**Chapter 2: The Veteran**

·||·  
·

He has no plan to die. Or, to be precise, he has a plan to *not* die.

Not yet. He still has a score to settle with his nemesis.

And no bloody Collector will stop him from settling that score.

Granted, the goddamn Collectors did score a powerful shit; abducting the crew for god-knows-what rendered Normandy almost crippled.

Ironic that a cripple turned the table around and prevented Normandy from getting crippled.

He has to admit: The crippled pilot has guts.

Another thing that ensures his commitment to this so-called Suicide Mission is another commitment. More specifically, his contract.

Cerberus had transferred him a very significant advance payment. Whenever anyone made good with such sizable advance payment, he always commits himself, heart and soul, to the contract. And he expects to collect the rest of the payment.

All he has to do is to keep the commander alive. That's part of the bargain.

And he will very much like that to happen as well.

He gently runs his finger over his Jessie, as he recalled what happened just a few hours ago.

·

The squad had returned from the Heretic Station to the Normandy, badly cut and bruised. Or something similar for the geth. Miranda was immediately handled by Mordin. Legion was undertaken by Tali. He handled the commander.

Shepard had winced when he slapped medi-gel over the commander's wounds.

"Still angry with me, Zaeed?" Shepard had asked.

"Eh? Oh, no, commander," as he slapped medi-gel on the next cut, making Shepard wince again. "Field habit. Sorry. When in the battlefield, you don't have time for bloody hospitality."

Shepard just nodded. "I hope you can concentrate when we reach the collector base."

"No worries there," he had said off-handedly as he scanned for more open wound. _There._ He slapped more medi-gel the wound. "I *will* come back, alive and well. I got Vido's arse to kick all the way down to hell. And you better be keeping your goddamn promise."

"I am a man of my word, Zaeed. As long as you don't put innocents in harm's way, I'll support you."

Zaeed nodded. "I believe you. Especially since you are now fully a Cerberus, inside and out. They always make good on their promises to me."

Shepard grimaced as the medi-gels started to do its magic, making his wounds and cuts and bruises heal very quickly. Then Shepard did something surprising. He extended his hand to Zaeed.

"We have a deal?"

Zaeed looked at the extended hand for awhile as if looking at a cobra ready to strike, before gripping that hand and shaking it vigorously.

"We have a deal, commander. I'll keep watch over your and little Miss Vixen's arses, and we go back together to give Vido his lesson of a lifetime."

Shepard mock-glared at him. "Not watching that close, I hope, Massani," and they laughed together.

So there they were. Two comrades-in-arms reaching a deal with each other.

·

Zaeed snaps back to the present, still absent-mindedly running his hand repeatedly over Jessie.

He still haven't made up his mind on his retirement plan. Besides killing Vido, that is.

With all the moolah he'll receive from The Illusive Man, he can easily start a new mercenary outfit. But the fire that drove him countless years ago is no longer there. Bekenstein has been one of his considerations, but then again, he does not like a sedentary life.

He sighs and glances at his omni-tool. He notices he still has a couple of hours to kill before they reach the Omega 4 relay. He decides to take a nap.

As he drifts off to sleep, he wonders if Shepard's decision to be romantically involved with 'Miss Vixen' is right. But, truth be told, no matter how seemingly incompatible the pair of lovers are, he is secretly envious of the commander.

When all this crap stuff is done with, Shepard will have someone to return to.

He has no one.

Shit.

He suddenly realized why he can't 'just retire'.

Hmmmm... His plan of ramming Omega station with a ship full of explosives now sounds much more interesting.

Going out with a bang. Yeah.

He sleeps with a smile on his face.

·

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally from [my story on FFnet](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6399498/2/Last-Rites).


	3. The Soldier

·  
·||·

##  **Last Rites**  
≡  
**Chapter 3: The Soldier**

·||·  
·

He's standing in front of his worktable. Just finishing up on ensuring that all weapons are loaded and ready to use.

Ungood to barge into the Collectors' stronghold without ample firepower.

The rest of the squad members had earlier provided him with a list of weapons they planned on using. He had checked them all. Quadruple-checked, even. And he also double-checked all weapons not requested. Just in case.

If they failed the mission, it will *not* be caused by a jammed weapon. That will be double-ungood.

And he has just quintuple-checked a modded M-15 Vindicator. He had modified its inertial dampener to lower an already low recoil into something obscenely trivial.

So recoil-less, a girl can wield. Or, for that matter, a man with brittle bones.

His mind drifts back to his encounter with Joker several hours ago, just after Shepard and team left.

·

He was returning from the loo, to find Joker leaning on the bulkhead beside the entrance to the armory. When Joker saw him approach, Joker nodded at him.

"Hi, Joker. Wassup?"

"Oh... uh...," Joker looked mightily uncomfortable. "On the debriefing... uh... thanks for speaking up for me."

"Don't mention it, bro. You've done well back there. It's totally not your fault. And please don't hate Miranda. She was very shocked, and inadvertently snapped. She's the XO, after all. You know, all the responsibilities stuffs. And paperworks."

"Okay... but, um, that's not exactly what I am here for."

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Joker took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. Definitely trying to calm himself.

"I've been thinking... and please don't laugh at me... but I *have* decided... I... I've made up my mind..."

It was evident to Jacob that Joker was struggling mightily, so he tried to calm the pilot down.

"Relax, bro. Your secrets are safe with me. I *do* hope you ain't gonna say you have feelings for me, though. Because if you do that, I'll scream. Swear to God, I'll scream."

Joker laughed. But Jacob's joke did the trick; the pilot was visibly relaxed afterwards.

"I don't think I will ever fall for a guy who knows a thousand ways to kill someone. And still be nice afterwards. Too creepy."

This time, Jacob laughed. "Actually, it's one thousand and fifty-three," he winked, then continued, "Okay. Now what was it you wanted to say, then?" he asked, smiling.

"Um... do you have a weapon suitable for me?"

Jacob's smile immediately vanished. He narrowed his eyes, suspicious of the pilot's intentions.

"Wait. Wait. Look, what happened, the crew's abduction, is *totally* not your fault, okay? Don't blame yourself too hard, Joker," said Jacob, lifting two hands to calm the pilot, ready to stop him from doing anything stupid.

"What the... Good grief! I'm not planning a suicide, Jacob! Geez!"

"Ow," Jacob blurted, looking visibly relaxed. "Okay. But... what do you need a firearm for?"

"Well," Joker wrung his hands, "I just felt... vulnerable. Especially since now we're entering their lair."

Jacob nodded. "Okay, I understand. Let's see what I can cook up for you."

"Thanks, pal. I owe you one," said Joker, slapping the weaponmaster's shoulder. "Back to the cockpit, then. Just tell me when you find one. I'll pick it up here."

·

Jacob's eyes scan over the Vindicator.

Yup. Mondo inertial dampener. Awesome tracking scope. And wayzkool ammo modifiers suitable for fighting the collectors.

He sends a message to the pilot. _**Your rifle is in locker 20. Pick it up when you have the time**_ _._

Jacob stretches his arms. His preparations are done.

If they won't come back from this mission, at least they die fighting.

He turns off the lights of the armory, and goes to the crew's quarters for a nap.

As he shuts his eyes, one last thought crosses his mind.

Nothing is more glorious than dying in battle.

·

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally published by me on FFnet, now republished to AO3. I will pace the republication to one chapter every week.


End file.
